Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
PANTIES FOUND
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