dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
