I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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