I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
