All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
