You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
