It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize