I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
be right there i have to get my cape
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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