If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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