i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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