I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
