you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
