My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
third nipple confirmed
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
