do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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