dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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