i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
