The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize