he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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