i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
