i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
