Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
