Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
