I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
