you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
