I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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