Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
