I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
