apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
