The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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