summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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