I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
