i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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