I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
