My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
