Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
