worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
