happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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