I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
