halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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