Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
