I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
