doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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