if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
