i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
