I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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