Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
