my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
