I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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