my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
