nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
