would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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