I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
