I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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