It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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