And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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