Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
