I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
