Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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