Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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