so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
