foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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